Chanonda Frackson Ngwira pens an emotional tale of his collapsed attempt at marriage due to dowry
Mr. Ngwira is currently happily married and a father:
INSALAMU!
From a personal Experience!
About 11 years ago, after dating this young and industrious lady, I decided that it is time for me to settle down with her ofcourse and yes steps started being put into motion.
Traditionally and as per our Zambian culture, we needed to take tumbale popularly known as INSALAMU by our Bemba fellows and yes that time came and we were prepared. But before the d-day came, my Bashibukombe decided to do a bit of research regards how this is done according to my then fiancee tradition and culture. This was despite him having stayed and schooled in that region, we never wanted to take advantage or take things for granted.
We were told by about 5 traditionally equipped individuals from that region how to go about it and they even went further ofcourse at different times, how much money as in minimum we are supposed to put in the plate.
Boom! I dressed modestly, you know me and clothes, I go for the tip top kind of clothes, in short I dressed to impress my would be inlaws, obviously to create a certain picture that their daughter was getting into the life of a smart and clean man.
My Bashibukombe inquired of how much i prepared to put in the plate, I told him, it was more than 10 times of what we were told was minimum according to the tradition. We also bought some utensils according to their tradition and off we went majestically. I remember that day, I even upgraded my perfume, I basically and largely looked good with a good Saint, obviously to send a message that I am the man and yes your daughter will be safe.
We were welcomed as per requirement, it was all happiness and gladness, we found some two or three gentlemen who she said were her uncles and a lady or two if not mistaken. My Bashibukombe did his best to present the case, he did what was required of him and followed all the traditional procedures successfully, our INSALAMU was accepted and off we went with smiles and joy thinking we have scored.
Later in the afternoon, I received a call from my would be wife, in my heart I said, am sure she wants to thank me for making her proud… Lo and behold, with a very frightening tone of voice, my supposedly wife to be shouted at me and said why would I choose to embarrass her in the manner I did? Why would I take such little or small amount of money to put in the plate as INSALAMU. In short, what was expected to be a joyful call and conversation turned out to be a sad and discouraging one.
….To cut the story short, that’s how my relationship started having issues. She began saying all sorts of things and bringing in excuses for a few weeks before she finally called it quits.
So yes, she was Frank and blunt, “Chanoda, this relationship can not work, it has failed, just move on and I will move on with my life”. I tried my best to make sense, it didn’t work, she kept on reminding me actually that I must go and reverse whatever was done and I think if my memory serves me well, we did just that with my Bashibukombe, if not then I guess we just forgot about it.
I was devastated, hurt, disturbed and confused because the reasons for her breaking up with me did not even make sense. I mean we were told that Insalamu had a minimum amount yet we put in the plate more than the minimum required, it was still pronounced as small money. Anyway life went on though it was very hard to forget about her.
As a Tumbuka, the issue of marriage was actually long overdue, I needed to settle, and no amount of hurt and pain stopped me. So yea, I met a young lady, my current wife, I went straight to the point, I want to marry you, as in I want to make you my wife.. She laughed at me but I knew she said yes, and true to my words, that’s how I received a yes from her after a few attempts.
I dated my current wife for only a year, there about and we took Insalamu,. I said I will not change the way, if she truly loves me, Insalamu whether big or not, she will not complain. We went and did everything as per tradition. It was all smiles forgetting the embarrassing moments I went through in the previous relationship.
Once again, a call came, 📞, at that point, history gripped in, is it a call of happiness or once again it is a call of disappointment? I gathered strength and picked, and Lo and behold, I heard a great voice saying, “Thank you for making me proud, I am very happy and my parents are proud of me.” With a sigh of relief, I told her, it is well, I love you and next week, we shall come for negotiations. To cut the story short, everything went on well, we married and she has blessed me with lovely sets of children and by the Grace of God, we are still growing into each other.
Don’t ask me whether the other lady is married or not because I don’t know, however the last time I met her, she was still single.. It is my prayer that by this time she is married or atleast engaged and yes she will get married am sure…
My conclusion is this, in a simple way, marriages have failed today because we take them either as a show off or as a business. Many of us have lost partners that were meant for us because we feel they weren’t able to impress our friends, parents and relatives in short society. Follow love and not big lobola or Insalamu.