THE NUMBER ONE LYING TV STATION IN ZAMBIA – AN EDITORIAL SATIRE
Yesterday, Chief Clarifications, Professor, Confucius Mutentwa, launched a scathing attack on the KBN TV Government, branding the people’s Government as a number 1 television liar in the nation.
He did so knowing fully well that as a television station in power, we cannot really defend ourselves against what we said and promised the Zambian viewers in 2021.
Given that Professor Mutentwa is the Chief spokesperson for the viewers, we hold that what he said was a valid observation and position of majority viewers against us as a ruling television station in power.
Instinctively, we wanted to take advantage of our constitutional right to reply so we can defend ourselves against such unwarranted attacks.
But on second thoughts, we realized there’s no need to defend ourselves. Professor Mutentwa was right. As a ruling television Government, we promised a lot of lies just to get into power as a number 1 television station.
In fact, we are dead worried; we don’t think that the Zambian people will forgive our lies and give us a second viewing chance. That’s why we have made a decision to keep people like Professor Mutentwa in check because if they continue talking too much against our programming, they might end up influencing more viewers to switch to other channels that are promising viewers backwards because forward seems challenging.
You will recall, we promised that as soon as you switch on KBN at 10hrs, the programming will be so captivating that by 14hrs, the dollar will clap for us and fall on its knees out of respect. We are sorry we lied because today, one dollar is nearly an equivalent of K30.
In trying to gain more viewership, we promised to scrap off the cyber security law on the first day in office. Here too, we are sorry for lying to you the viewers, Professor Mutentwa was right, we have changed after realizing that it’s a good law that will cure rampant social media menace. Cyber law is not going anywhere, in fact the supreme leader wants to stiffen it even further!
The study by Professor Mutentwa into our viewership is very insightful. How else could we have won to become the number 1 lying television station in power if we didn’t promise to remove middle men from the fuel supply chain?
We promised to bring fuel down from K17 to K12 per liter. We are sorry, Professor Mutentwa called us out, we lied because today, fuel is twice the price at K35 per liter.
We apologize for lying to our viewers. In fact in his thesis, Professor Mutentwa reminds us that in courting the viewership segment among farmers, we promised to reduce fertilizer to K250 per bag, we are sorry this too was another lie that qualifies us to be the number one lying television station in power.
Playing in the champions league of lying as a number one television station, we needed to promise our viewers the rotary of K50 per bag of mealie meal but due to factors beyond our control, the average mealie meal price is now K400. Do you think this is also a lie?
As for loadshedding, in one of our broadcasts, we castigated the other television stations as lacking the quality of vision. Those channels blamed drought and subjected viewers to 8hrs of loadshedding per day.
Well, our viewership has since dropped significantly because of many days of continuous darkness across the country. We lied that we would fix these problems, clearly as the supreme leader said, running a nation “simasobela iyai.” We are sorry that we have become but a mockery among our television viewers.
We know, please don’t remind us. When one of our presenters called the Lusaka Archbishop Alick Banda as Lucifer, we lied that we had rendered an editorial apology, in fact, there is no need to apologize because we are going from Lusaka to Chipata!
The Auxiliary Bishop of Chipata, Rev. Gabriel Msipu Phiri, has become a notorious viewer who calls in with disparaging remarks during our live broadcasts. He recently got excited and questioned our investment into new programming over the last 4 years. We are targeting him as an individual and ensure that his decoder is switched off!
He can’t continue watching our champion’s league programming and still attacking us at the same time, aikona man!
Please inform Professor Mutentwa that we are about to fire our news correspondent at JCTR for reporting yet another lie that the cost of living now stands at K11,500 when we promised to reduce the cost of living and improve the quality of life for all our viewership categories.
Anyway, thanks for watching the number one lying television station, we promise to fix the economy, the only problem is we have realized after watching VAR, we lied about not bringing back Vedanta!
As the number 1 lying television station, we really don’t want to lie because we are a channel of angels but we are conflicted with the reality that when we say “taking your viewership experience forward” what we really mean is black and white television!
Just remember our promise, what will happen in Zambia over the next five years, will be the greatest economic transmission in Africa, yes our five years hasn’t just started counting yet, that’s why you can’t see anything.
In fact, we just got another news report that the supreme leader has ordered glue from China to fix the seat, we hear that glue only expires in 2031!
We can go on and on but the truth is Professor Mutentwa was right! We lied to our viewers but please don’t switch to another channel, keep watching KBN TV, the number 1 lying television in Zambia on DStv 279, GOtv 27 and TopStar 102.- KBN TV