Dear President Rupiah Bwezani Banda,
Ba Shikulu RB,
I hope this letter finds you relaxing somewhere in the heavenly version of Chipata Motel — probably enjoying impwa, groundnuts, and a cold Mosi with your trademark gentle laugh. You left us in 2022, and since then, Zambia has been… well… Zambia. A country that never runs out of plot twists. If Zambia was a Netflix series, sir, it would have 50 seasons and still no closure.
Before you start shaking your head the way you used to when people annoyed you, let me update you on what has been happening down here.
✍🏾 1. Your MMD is now a museum piece.
Sir, your beloved MMD — the party that ruled for 20 years — was officially “retired in national interest” and archived like an old school certificate. It only exists at National Archives, sir. Even the blue chitenge has retired.
If you came back today and asked, “Where are my boys?”, you would only hear echoes. Basala manje bangovinyopola vindrama ku boma monga ba “foma vipu.” Chipani chinafa monga cha ba PF — except PF banagulisa openly like salaula at Soweto market.
Monga salaula shuwah! 😁
✍🏾 2. Your “RB diplomacy” is still missed.
You were the king of handshakes, smiles, and “my brother, my sister” diplomacy. Today? Ah, Sir. Diplomacy is now done on Twitter. One wrong emoji and we have a diplomatic incident.
They even passed the cyber law! Remember they called it draconian? Manje osayesa, mufunse ba Kasonde of the EFF who is languishing mujele chifukwa chopayuka payuka pali boma on social media.
Cyber law iyofya mwandini! 🥺
✍🏾 3. Your “son” Andrew is still fighting political battles.
Yes, Sir. Andrew is still in the ring — sometimes shadowboxing, sometimes fighting real opponents, sometimes fighting imaginary ones. Banda political DNA is strong. 😁
On a serious note though sir, even I don’t know what his strategy is. Kaya mwandini. Cifukwa bakasiliza ma elections bamasoba kwati landilodi wamu komboni after talipila ma “lentoz”, oloutume foni bwanji kuti balungise voonongeka munyumba, sibazaoneka! Babwelobulikila pa manthendi (during election season)! Munaonako va so aini? 🤦🏾♂️
He seems to be well financed because he always manages to pay the fees and campaign materials. 🤔 Seems like a waste of good money if you ask me.
That’s your “son” for you sir.
✍🏾 4. Your successor, ECL, still hasn’t been buried — 11 months later.
Sir… Zambia has never seen such a prolonged “loading… please wait” in national mourning. Kaya if we’ll have to wait for elections to pass first! 🙆🏾♂️
Ni maloza yoipa a shikulu!
✍🏾 5. The economy is stable-ish.
“Calculator Boy” as your arch nemesis often called him is in charge now. He loves graphs the way you loved agriculture. He’s negotiating debt, taming inflation, tightening belts. Bretton Woods choir is singing soprano praises.
But sir, some piyefu people are so “over the moon” they even tried to rename a market after HH, removing your old colleagues Simon Mwewa’s name from it! Imagine the audacity. Tuchawa aini ka? 🤭 It backfired spectacularly.
✍🏾 6. Your Eastern Province remains loyal — but confused.
Easterners are still the most polite voters. One day it’s “Alebwelelapo,” the next it’s “Bally will fix it,” the following week it’s “We are neutral.” Kaya mwandini.
Amfumu aMpezeni? Pro ruling party at present. That province still votes in line with whoever is in power from as far back as I can remember.
✍🏾 7. Corruption is still a national sport.
You remember how they accused you every five minutes? Sir, corruption is still here. It now has WiFi, Bluetooth, and a TikTok account.
A glaring examples sir, ZAMMSA was created to fix problems — and instead created new ones. Ministry of Health? Still a spiritual battle that requires “prophetic prayers” because so far, I am not convinced or as my fellow country folk would say, “same difference!” 😁
Yes a few of piyefu former chakuti chakuti have been jailed, but we have the Grandy Ntumbo case that’s plateaued. Its going nowhere sir and hasn’t for the last six years! 🙆🏾♂️
Corruption yeve iyoneka monga kulibe kwe iyenda! Ili nuuuu! Nabo bali ndwiii! Perfect example? Check Zambia Police Traffic Division! 🫣 Kuja kweve kulikonyopola.
As Uncle Marty P of 5-FM would say it, “kunyopola sitilesa, manje… kanyopolidwe!” 🤣
✍🏾 8. China is still glued to Zambia like a tick on a village dog.
Your Beijing friends never left. They’re still building roads, airports, stadiums, and debt. America is still throwing shade ati “corruption pro max.” For the second time, another ambassador ranted about it. Aweh shuwah these Americans also!
Behind the scenes we know some of those in charge are saying to each other ati: “Ni vaba nyoko? Tiyeni tivinyopole!” 😅
✍🏾 9. Your legacy of peaceful handover is still the gold standard.
You were the second to hand over power gracefully after losing an election. People still quote you:
“Zambia is bigger than any one of us.”
Even angels clap when they remember that moment.
✍🏾 10. Social media has replaced Mulongoti and Tetamashimba’s press briefings.
Politics is now done on Facebook Live, TikTok dances, and WhatsApp audios recorded in noisy kitchens.
If you resurrected today, you would ask, “Where are the journalists?”
We would say, “Sir, they are now influencers.” 😁
🍻 Bevla Section: Dickson Jere
Sir, let me also tell you about your loyal press aide, Dickson Jere. That man never forgets you. Every time he writes on social media, he references you with pride — like a son remembering his father.
And guess what? He’s now intending to run as MP for Lusaka Central Constituency. Imagine, sir! From State House press briefings to Parliament benches. If he wins, he might even start his speeches with: “As my former boss RB used to say…”
In Closing, Ba Shikulu RB…
We joke, we laugh, we complain — but truth be told, Zambia has never had another leader with your calmness, your fatherly charm, your diplomacy, and your ability to defuse tension with a simple smile.
I still remember how you handled that silly monkey at State House when it decided to relieve bladder pressure on your head. Instead of panicking, you made that timeless statement:
“Eh, kanitundila?” 🐒😅
Classic, sir. You laughed it off and continued your briefing monga kakolwe sikanamitundileni shuwah!
You left quietly, but your legacy still speaks loudly.
Rest well, Sir. We are still here, still surviving, still laughing — just as you would have wanted.
Yours in nostalgic patriotism,
A Citizen Who Remembers.
Rev Walter Mwambazi
PS: 📛 Notice
Before this is completely misunderstood, it’s satire. That means it’s meant for comical purposes.
This here does not in any way imply communication with the dead, or that MCS can even hear or acknowledge what this message is saying.
Scripture is clear when it comes to the dead, they have no knowledge of the living, or of affairs of this earth. So in reality they are oblivious to every event going on here on earth, or Zambia in particular.
So please treat this write up as comical relief and entertainment, and do not give this any credence or gravity of concern.
I submit! 🙏🏾