The Great Zambian Witch Trial: A Courtroom Spectacle of Political Desperation
By Dr Mwelwa
The Chief Justice, in his infinite wisdom, has decided that Zambia needs a new prime-time spectacle. Forget economic woes, forget the collapsing Kwacha, forget the untold mysteries of how a foreign plane laden with millions of dollars made a cameo appearance at Kenneth Kaunda International Airport, only to vanish into thin air. That’s old news. That’s boring. That’s too ordinary. What Zambia truly needs, what the world must see, is a courtroom drama starring chameleons, witches, and the terrifying forces of dark magic.
And so, the curtains rise on this great national production, directed not by logic, not by justice, but by a higher power—the sacred duty of political expediency. The Chief Justice, now the chief puppeteer, has decreed that the public must feast their eyes on this grand festival of absurdity. Live television coverage, no less! Because nothing screams modern governance like a courtroom full of men debating whether an iguana carried out an assassination attempt.
It is a story so rich, so intoxicating, that even the world’s most celebrated satirists must be biting their nails in jealousy. Hollywood screenwriters are surely taking notes. An entire government, armed with power, intelligence agencies, forensic tools, and investigative machinery, has sat down, deliberated, and reached the irrefutable conclusion that a group of witches, under the careful guidance of a politician, conspired against the President. The weapons of war? Spells, charms, and yes—reptilian operatives.
Meanwhile, across the world, newsrooms are rolling on the floor with laughter. From New York to London, Paris to Johannesburg, headlines are crafted with the kind of giddy amusement that only Africa can provide. “Witchcraft Trial in 2025,” they will write, slotting Zambia neatly into their cherished narrative of a continent still battling the ghosts of the past. Scientists, historians, and rational human beings alike will pause to ask: what in the name of jurisprudence is happening?
Yet, behind the grand comedic façade, there lies a calculated motive. This is no mere trial of witches. This is no mere pursuit of truth. No, this is yet another artful stroke in the great political canvas—a smear campaign so extravagant it would make Machiavelli blush. The name they want to drag through the mud is predictable. The script is familiar. The former President, Edgar Lungu, must be linked to anything and everything that can be packaged into a scandal. And so, the accusations swirl, the dots are connected with invisible ink, and the public is invited to gasp in horror at the thought that somewhere, in the dead of night, a group of hooded figures gathered to whisper incantations against the Head of State.
But wait—why stop at just witches? Why not throw in some vampires? Maybe a werewolf or two? Perhaps, if the judiciary hurries, they can get a confession from a haunted tree in Eastern Province. It would be a spectacular addition to the show. After all, if the goal is to entertain rather than to uphold the rule of law, why not go all the way?
In all of this, the judiciary, that noble institution meant to stand as the last bastion of fairness and reason, has been turned into a carnival act. The Chief Justice, instead of upholding dignity, has chosen to preside over a farce. He is no longer a steward of justice but an enthusiastic stage manager, ensuring that the cameras capture every moment of this political theater.
It is no secret that the rot in government has long seeped into the judiciary, but now, the stench is undeniable. It wafts through the courts, through the chambers, through the hollowed-out remains of what should be an independent legal system. And so, the people watch, half in disbelief, half in exhaustion, as the most pressing national issues are ignored in favor of this supernatural soap opera.
Perhaps, when the dust settles and the chameleons are acquitted due to lack of evidence, the country can return to more pressing matters. Perhaps, when a new government arrives, sanity will be restored, and those who turned the judiciary into a circus will be shown the exit door. Until then, we watch, we laugh, and we wait for the next chapter in this surreal tale of political desperation.