The secret conversations between Donald Trump and Edgar Chagwa Lungu begin
By Dr Munyonzwe Hamalengwa
Donald Trump (DT) to Edgar Chagwa Lungu (ECL):
Edgar, you in Zambia like using initials eh, ECL, HH, KK, FTJ, RB etc, what is up with that? Here it is rare. Only after Kennedy was shot did he become JFK. Can you imagine Bill Clinton being referred to as BC? That is a biblical reference isn’t it? But ECL that is not what I am calling about. I am calling to offer my condolences about just what happened to you. I just went through it myself. I got shellacked just like you in the last elections. Shellacked as a word was first used by Obama. I can’t stand Obama just like you can’t stand HH my dear friend ECL. So I refrain from using an Obama term. I will use the word walloped. It is truly painful to be walloped. I hear Hillary is still shell-shocked from my walloping her. ECL, for me it feels like it is merely a bad dream from which I will wake up and find reality different. But it is not. It is reality and shocking because I didn’t expect to lose by seven million votes walloping by Sleepy Joe. I lost to Sleepy Joe. I won.
You ECL, lost to what do they call those ostracised and sidelined people from certain parts of Zambia? Yes, you lost to a Tonga bull, I’m being reminded. Didn’t you say on the very day of the election that a Tonga will one day become a President but not the current candidate? That is what I used to say about Sleepy Joe.
Listen, ECL, like me you thought you could win the election by turning it into identifiable sectarianism, me into a racial contest where I would garner White votes and you would secure tribal votes against the Tongas and other named tribes. You unleashed, I understand, a certain Kambwili to spout tribalism, and like me it backfired, ECL. Let’s be serious, there is a lesson to be learned even from negativity. Our respective countries are moving more towards racial and tribal cohesion. We had done it all in order to win an election and continue being in power. It didn’t work.
ECL, do you know that you and I have a lot in common? Of course, we have our great differences; for example I went to the great Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania and you didn’t but I don’t remember what I did there exactly other than chasing women. How did I pass? Can’t remember but it is on my transcript though the record is sealed. All my records are sealed except this stupid Supreme Court some of whose judges I appointed ordered the disclosure of my tax returns of several years.
ECL, you were lucky that the judges you appointed never abandoned you to the end. The ones I appointed decided to turn around and exercise their so-called judicial independence and autonomy. Have you ever heard of such crap? Judicial independence and autonomy! Give me a break! The problem in the US is that people do actually take that crap seriously; even judges. Don’t fall for it in Zambia.
Now ECL I was talking about our similarities. You and I pardoned heavy duty criminals. You pardoned murderers and tribalists while I pardoned deep, deep corrupt friends and associates of mine. We are who we pardoned. We are a reflection of who we pardoned. Look, you pardoned someone who made you lose an election because he was spewing tribalism and you had bought him a helicopter to do this. ECL, are you mad and tone deaf? You pardon a tribalist who made you partly lose an election! Are you a tribalist, ECL? It is good you retired from politics. There are rumours that you intend to run in 2026. Don’t. You buried yourself with that tribal nonsense. Now this tribalist who caused you to lose an election, wasn’t he recently exposed conniving with the Bank of Zambia governor to embezzle 30 million dollars through the issuing of bonds? I listened to that tape, the way it ended smells fishy. Something went down there.
But coming to the US, racism is fine. It is in the DNA of the US. It is historically embedded.
As for me, ECL, I pardoned corrupt people because that is me. I take advantage of the law. Taxation law is for the rich in capital letters. It aids corruption of the rich. Everything I did with my taxes is in the law. I took advantage of the loopholes. Can you succeed in business without the aid of banking and taxation laws, without insolvent laws, without insurance laws? We are hard on the poor yet we are aided by how banking, taxation, insurance, insolvency, procurement and other laws are structured. Our crimes are legally facilitated, ECL. Look at the acquittal rates in your corruption cases. Your people were all acquitted. Then you go and pardon murderers. If I did that, ECL, there would have been a revolution in America. Your regime killed a few people, didn’t it? So it is understandable you pardoned murderers. We pardon who we are. And it is what it is. Cheer up man. It is not the end of the world. Depressing but life goes on. Enjoy your wealth while it lasts. I have been charged criminally for using legal taxation and banking laws. You haven’t yet been charged. Brace, however, for the possibility of your immunity and impunity being stripped.
It is great you didn’t appeal your election loss. You see what the judges that I had appointed did to me after I lost the election. They all voted against me to overturn the elections in all the states. There is a guy called the Village Author whose articles I read who said that “you lose the vote you lose the court”. That court of yours that you appointed would have turned against you post-election.
ECL, are you there? You and I didn’t recognise where the lies and truths began or ended and vice versa. People saw through the fog and they voted us out. Now there is a difference. I had a vision of how to run America, you didn’t. I governed through Twitter and lots of press conferences and an effective DT congress. You governed through cadres; no press conferences except at airports and you had no Twitter account and no effective parliament. ECL, how could you lose Bill 10? You would still be President. Then you got another shot at the presidency through the ConCourt decision allowing you an illegal third term. But the Court of Public Opinion shellacked you, not Obama again. ECL, Obama is always in my mind as HH will always be in your mind. You see, I couldn’t get rid of Obamacare through Congress and that still pains me. And a similarity is found here. HH is the Obama of Zambia. Brilliant, agile, confident, and self-made and with loyal followers.
ECL, are you still there? I am the one who called you so I will talk. When you call me, ECL, you will talk all you want. Do you have a powerful phone?
ECL, I have loyal followers and you don’t. My followers stormed Congress to stop the legitimation of Sleepy Joe and they are still eating out of my hands. I raised more money after losing power than I did while in power and the Republican Party is holding together thinking I will run in 2024. On the other hand you have been abandoned immediately after losing power. Did you really have any loyal supporters, ECL? Your cadres have scampered. Your former ministers and cohorts are resigning or are silent. Your cadres never attempted to prevent the ascendance of HH. Your party the PF it appears is dead. I have charisma. You don’t. ECL, how did you ascend to power? And how exactly did you manage to repress Zambians for seven years? People are like waking up to a bad dream. On my part the great Republican Party will continue.
I can’t resist asking you, ECL, where that woman Pamela Gondwe is. I am told she ran away with suitcases of your campaign funds so that at the end you were practically limping without funds to pay cadres and some rigging projects. In America Pamela Gondwe would be the stuff of movies. You know how Americans are: you are either a mystical villain or hero. She would be turned into a folklore hero. If you meet her tell her that DT of America wants to meet her.
ECL, let me ask you this because you may have to answer to it if any Commission of Inquiry to Restore Looted Property under your regime is convoked. I hear Zambians want an Inquiry .What is your net worth now as opposed to when you became president? I understand you jumped from K1 million to K23 million in one year after assuming the presidency. They don’t teach what you did at Wharton or Harvard Business School, nor at Oxford. Do you want to come and teach at Wharton School of Business? I can facilitate that. I contributed a lot of money to that institution. It got more interesting you are now rumoured to be one of the richest presidents in Africa. The president’s salary even in the US or anywhere in the world can’t get you to that. Look at Obama, he got paid 60 million dollars for his book and all his money is traceable. My money is traceable as I used legal banking and taxation laws to borrow and invest.
What you have now where did it come from? I hear even your family has gotten rich, some having acquired forests, old bank buildings, apartments etc. Do you own a golf course, ECL? Get a good number of accountants and lawyers and start working in case the commission is established. I never knew I would need lawyers as I needed bankers as company. Obama told me at the outset that I would need more lawyers at the end of my presidency than I would need bankers and he was so right. The irony is that he never needed any lawyers himself because he was suspected of no crimes. Instead he now needs bankers to bank his legitimately earned monies from book deals and speaking engagements while you and I need lawyers and bankruptcy laws and not bankers. But heck ECL we had a ride of a lifetime while it lasted. We were both improbable accidental presidents and our story continues and would become more interesting and sellable if we both become criminal ex-presidents though I had a lot of money in the business world before I became president and you didn’t and I have kept my loyal friends and the Republican Party while you haven’t. Our stories, ECL, will be told as capsules and teachable moments in the history of our countries. Take heart it is a great contribution.
Now, all my contribution to American life will evaporate if I am convicted of any of the 38 Federal charges of obstruction of justice, violation of the Espionage Act, illegal possession of classified documents etc that have recently been slapped on me by a special prosecutor. ECL, do you have a law authorising appointment of special prosecutors? I may also be charged with election interference in Georgia and also for the insurrection on the Capitol on January 6th, 2021. ECL, I hope you never get charged during your post presidency life. It is good you resisted those like, I am told, Antonio Mwanza who you publicly named I understand who had urged you to resist transfer of power. Antonio, I am told has resigned from the PF. You lose an election, you lose stalwarts. You lose an election you lose the court.
You know what, ECL, my resurrection depends on winning the next presidential election of 2024. The election is the politics of my only defence. Politics as a defence. Watch this space.
The author’s latest book is “Commentaries on the Laws of Zambia”. Contact him: email@example.com,firstname.lastname@example.org