Letter to President Frederick Titus Jacob Chiluba
Dear Ba Kateka,
I hope heaven’s tailor has kept your suits pressed and your shoes polished, because down here in Zambia, the drama is so thick you’d need a designer tie just to breathe. Since you left us in 2011, the nation has been busy turning your legacy into a comedy skit. Allow me to update you, point by point, before you start lobbying angels for multiparty democracy in paradise.
✍🏾 1. MMD: From Champion to Chikolopo
Your beloved MMD, once the fiery champion of democracy, is now archived like a discarded chikolopo shuwah! It sits in the national archives next to Kaunda’s old bicycle and UNIP’s expired membership card. Its leaders? Many happily serving as guests of the ruling party, sipping tea in government offices like prodigal sons who found a new father.
And that fiery pastor you who took over the chipani — the former veep — archived it and formed a new party. Imagine, ba Chiluba, and he is still bidding to become president one day. The sheep are confused — and kind of upset he is in politics, the goats are laughing — it’s good for their business, and democracy is bleating.
✍🏾 2. Christian Nation Day: Gazetted Holiday
Your declaration of Zambia as a Christian Nation has now been gazetted as a holiday. Evangelicals are rejoicing, charismatics are dancing, and prophets are selling “Christian Nation Day” anointed calendars.
But one Chilufya Tayali had the audacity to say ati he doesn’t support the stance. Please, ba Chiluba, ask God to assign some angels to command one or two demons to haunt him in his sleep so that he learns to appreciate our stance. 😁 Because clearly, emocracy allows freedom of speech — but not freedom from spiritual nightmares.😅
✍🏾 3. Democracy: Thriving on Life Support
They passed 77 bills before adjourning Parliament. People are suspicious, whispering that the current administration is slowly turning Zambia into a one-party state, inspired by KK’s ghost. Ati, if three people meet in a public place, they must notify the police days in advance. Kaya mwandini.
Democracy is now like a candle in the wind — flickering, but not Letter to President Frederick Titus Jacob Chiluba blown out. The Constitution is treated like a menu: pick what you want, ignore the rest, and serve it with a garnish of “rule of law.”
Apa nomba we are just waiting mukumona who among opposition leaders they will start arresting. 🥺
✍🏾 4. Darlington: Trending Nostalgia
Your son Darlington suddenly trended on social media as intending to join politics. Zambians went nostalgic, imagining another Chiluba in State House. But honestly, I don’t think he has any intention. It was just national nostalgia — people missing your short speeches and long suits. They want a Chiluba 2.0, but all they got was a trending hashtag.
For now he seems to have disappeared into that anonymity hole to run away from the public eye. Ine I think he could do well if he found the right sponsors. But then kapena it’s just me also suffering from Post Chiluba nostalgia ka? 😁
✍🏾 5. Frederick Mwape: From Presidential Son to Prison Son
Your son Mwape has had it rough. 🥺 Recently arrested for petty theft — I honestly could not believe it, like, what happened?
Maybe now, after tasting jail food, he may reflect on his conduct. You prayed for him, you gave him up, and perhaps this is the wake-up call. But Zambians are already making memes — “From presidential son to prison son.” The internet is merciless. Even angels would hesitate to repost. 🙆🏾♂️
✍🏾 6. Economy: Still Calculating
After your privatization era, Zambia is still struggling with debt. “Calculator Boy” as Michael Sata referred to him is in State House and is negotiating euro bonds restructuring like a man solving a Sudoku puzzle. Inflation is tamed, but belts are tightened so much that even angels would complain if they were Zambian civil servants. Proof? Maloni fulu fully. Civil servants survive on one loan after another. Its bad mwandini!
Remember when you asked us as Zambians if we are ready to tighten belts? At least you warned us. Aba beve they didn’t ask, we just noticed things had become super tight. Many still complain bitterly about it — ati graphs don’t put food on the table! 😁
The kwacha is on a diet, the budget is fasting, and the IMF is the new prophet. Sivintu mwandini!
This current man is tekaring but his tekaring is not teksing for the poor man mukomboni bashikulu! Ati ligi yakosa is what they are saying.
Palilwanga I think bayesa but many don’t agree with me!
✍🏾 7. Social Media: The New Parliament
Forget MPs — Facebook, TikTok, and X are where policies are debated. Influencers have more power than lawmakers. If you resurrected today, you’d need a TikTok account to be heard. Imagine you, Ba Chiluba, doing a TikTok dance challenge to announce multiparty democracy. Social media yabvuta mweh! Everything is actually determined there.
But as you’d say back in the day, “let them talk, that’s the beauty of democracy!” ☺️
✍🏾 8. The Church: Now a Political Party
Pastors are forming parties, bishops are endorsing candidates, joining or forming alliances, and prophets are predicting election results. The pulpit is now a campaign stage. Your declaration of Zambia as a Christian Nation has morphed into a political strategy.
The previous chipani and it’s government even created some very interesting Christian platforms to endorse our previous president as God’s anointed king! Imagine sir! Religion has now become a powerful Trojan Horse for those in charge.
Even communion wine is now seen as campaign fuel. The line between altar and ballot box is so blurred, even angels are confused whether to vote or tithe.
We even have pastors prophesying, making declarations from pulpits, just like in your time, it’s all back again! Now they even fall all over each other to offer endorsements to controversial parliamentary bills!
Nsoni yeka yeka! 🫣
✍🏾 9. Nostalgia for Short Speeches
Zambians still remember your famously short speeches. Today’s leaders talk for hours, quoting statistics until people sleep. You were brief, sharp, and stylish. Now, speeches are like funerals — long, exhausting, and full of repetition. People miss your “mic-drop” style. You said little, but it echoed loudly. Now they say much, but it echoes emptily.
✍🏾 10. Corruption: Still Alive and Well
Yes, Sir. The fight against corruption is like a football match with no referee. Everyone is playing, everyone is cheating, and the whistle is broken. Yes they persecuted you for supposed corruption — which ironically was never really proven, and yet today, eh!
Palilwanga (to my side 😁) I am not convinced there really is a fight, but some former chakuti chakuti are in jail for it! I guess they sabailad so much it was obvious benzekuba. Imagine one of them bought two helicopters — in Zambia aini, with our levels of mental poverty. That’s like putting an idiot target 🎯 on your back saying, “come and investigate me, I have too much money!” He was even called “bonanza”
Olo ngati ni kusabaila mwati ni so?
Once again, as Uncle Marty P of 5-FM would say
”Kusabaila sitilesa, manje… kasabailidwe!”
”Don’t argue, you were not there!” 😂
Ironically some of those former party leaders I had expected would also be with their colleagues in jail are not, but I guess… eh, let me be quiet, kuli cyber masiku ano! 🫢
Meantime today people steal with calculators, laptops, and even PowerPoint presentations. Corruption has evolved — it now comes with graphs and pie charts and is much smarter!
Kaili the previous chipani piyefu had cadres who sabailad so much they would burn $100 notes on a mbabula — imagine sir! Who does that? Koma ndiye kusamwa!
As Larry Maluma’s classic song would state
”Waona manje, waona manje, waona manje wayamba kulila!” 😁
Anyhoo…
🍻Bevla Section
Ba Chiluba, Zambia is still surviving, still laughing, still praying. We miss your charisma, your humor, your flamboyance, and your ability to turn politics into theatre. The “Nyu Kacha” suits may be long gone, but the memories remain. Rest well, Sir. We are still here — confused, entertained, and occasionally haunted by your legacy.
Yours in democratic nostalgia,
A Citizen Who Remembers.
Rev Walter Mwambazi
PS 📛 Notice
Before this is completely misunderstood, it’s satire. That means it’s meant for comical purposes.
This here does not in any way imply communication with the dead, or that FTJ can even hear or acknowledge what this message is saying.
Scripture is clear when it comes to the dead, they have no knowledge of the living, or of affairs of this earth. So in reality they are oblivious to every event going on here on earth, or Zambia in particular.
So please treat this write up as comical relief and entertainment, and do not give this any credence or gravity of concern.
I submit! 🙏🏾