KING MSWATI DENIES ISSUING DIPLOMATIC PASSPORT TO JOSEPH KABILA, “CLAIMS ALL FOREIGN VISITORS RECEIVE COMPLIMENTARY CITIZENSHIP WITH AIRPORT PARKING VOUCHER”
By The Enlightened Spectator | Tough Talk Satire Section | NotSoSeriousNews (NSSN) & Our Foreign Affairs Correspondent
4 December 2025
MBABANE – The Kingdom of Eswatini is once again at the centre of diplomatic intrigue, this time involving former Democratic Republic of Congo president-turned-international-fugitive Joseph Kabila, who has allegedly been granted citizenship, a diplomatic passport, and possibly a loyalty card for the King Mswati International Airport gift shop.
According to sources who insist on remaining anonymous—largely because they fear both governments equally—the arrangement was sanctioned personally by King Mswati, who is reportedly expanding his “Buy One Citizen, Get One Half-Price” Christmas campaign. Some insiders suggest it may soon include complimentary in-flight snacks and a free Wi-Fi voucher.
Kabila, recently sentenced to death in absentia by a DRC military court, was reportedly spotted browsing duty-free snacks at the airport before jetting off using what officials insist was not an Eswatini diplomatic passport but “a maroon notebook of similar aesthetic quality”, perfect for jotting down coup plots or shopping lists.
Palace Responds: ‘Never Heard of Him, Might Be a Tourist’
Contacted for comment, royal spokesperson Percy Simelane dismissed the allegations with the serene confidence of someone who has absolutely no intention of reading the Immigration Act, or indeed any legislation written in the past century.
“We are not aware Mr Kabila has been granted citizenship,” Simelane said, carefully enunciating every syllable as if hoping the statement itself might become legally binding by sheer force of dignity.
“Many multi-nationals apply for citizenship. Some are accepted, some refused, some appear with pre-signed forms already stamped by the King. That is the natural rhythm of governance. Or, as we call it in Eswatini, Tuesday.”
When pressed further, Simelane added that Eswatini’s citizenship process is “transparent, rigorous, and entirely coincidental”, before abruptly ending the call due to what he described as “unexpected diplomatic weather,” leaving reporters questioning whether this was a meteorological or metaphorical phenomenon.
Immigration System Reveals Everything Except the Bits They’ve Hidden
Leaked Home Affairs documents appear to confirm the issuance of a diplomatic passport, although officials stressed that publishing the passport number would jeopardise Kabila’s safety, his secrecy, and—most importantly—Eswatini’s reputation for plausible deniability.
An immigration insider claimed:
“Honestly, it’s not unusual. Last month we issued a diplomatic passport to someone who only popped in to ask for directions to Mozambique. It’s basically a loyalty programme at this point.”
Regional Politics Descend Further into Soap Opera
Kabila, whose relationship with current DRC president Félix Tshisekedi has deteriorated faster than a budget airline lunch, is believed to have sought refuge in Eswatini after being accused of maintaining ties with the M23 rebels.
Political analysts say this alleged partnership between Mswati and Kabila adds yet another chapter to the Southern-African dramedy currently unfolding, which has already included a failed coup, mysterious rebels, and a storyline suspiciously reminiscent of several Netflix series—though arguably with better costumes and slightly less predictable plot twists.
Christian Malanga, one of the most recent coup-linked characters, was reportedly associated with Prince Sicalo, the King’s son and Principal Secretary for Defence and State Security—or, as critics describe him, “Eswatini’s unofficial Minister of Plot Twists.”
Eswatini Government Looking Forward to Moving On
When asked whether the Kingdom might reconsider its citizenship policies given recent headlines, one senior official replied:
“Citizenship? Oh, we don’t do that any more. We just issue passports to anyone who looks like they might tip well at the airport restaurant.”
The spokesperson then paused, looked around to ensure no recordings were being made, and added:
“Besides, the King likes to collect presidents. It’s become more of a hobby. Some people collect stamps; we collect heads of state.”