By Dr Mwaka.


This story of this woman Mary Lungu has gone viral today in Zambia. Everyone is talking about her, posting about her, most are laughing and making jokes out of this whole matter, but jokes aside let’s look at this story in its whole context and understand why Mary acted the way she did!!

Let me state clearly that I certainly do NOT condone or support what she did earlier today, attempting to get married while she was still legally married to her first husband!!

But I do want to point out that from her statements, and from my over 25 years of counseling couples with my husband, my observation is that Mary has been a very lonely, hurt and neglected woman like many many women in relationships and marriage today!! Mary said her husband had no time for her, did not provide for her, there was very minimal intimacy between the two of them. And the other man was paying rent for Mary for the last 5 years??!! How come the husband was clueless??!!

The emphasis in a lot of marriages especially in the continent of Africa and in our nation Zambia is to do everything to please the man and make him happy !! Everything and most of our ceremonies (chilanga mulilo, kitchen party etc) is geared towards, is about and for the man!! Cook gourmet meals for him, keep the house and children clean, stay slim no matter how many children you have had, support and respect him, be there for him , serve and care for his family and ofcourse do all kinds of styles in bed to keep him!! Not to mention forgive him over and over again when he cheats on you and is unfaithful!!

But what about the husband ? What is his responsibility as the head of the home? Husbands do you make your wife happy and secure ? Do you give her your time and attention ? Do you listen to her? Is she your best friend? Do you affirm and validate her ? Do you also support her dreams ? Are you proud of her ? Do you respect her both at home and in front of your family and friends? Are you emotionally available for her or are you always on your phone and everyone and everything else is a priority except her!!

When did we last hear a sermon on husbands LOVE your wives as Christ loved the Church ?? In counseling is the emphasis for both parties to meet each others needs ? Or is it the usual wife submit to your husband ?? without understanding the whole context of what is making the woman act a certain way!!

When a woman is properly loved, cared for , cherished, valued, treasured and appreciated she will NEVER go searching outside for love!! When a woman is loved, submission is easy and automatic because love is the language we respond to!! Majority of women love and respect their husbands and want their marriages to work but unfortunately many wives are lonely, broken, neglected, frustrated, disappointed and their needs are NOT being met by their husbands.

This case of Mary YES is very drastic and extreme!! and again please hear me I am NOT condoning or supporting her actions today but I also don’t condemn her !! She did what she did because she was fed up of being lonely in marriage !! She was trying to fill the void in her life!!

We are seeing so much drama and infedelity in marriages in the world today. For so many years , women have put up with so much because culture, tradition and society expects a woman to stay in the marriage even if she is being beaten, mistreated, abused, violated and disrespected. This generation seems to NOT have the tolerance and patience our Mothers and Grandmothers had!! That’s why there is such a high rise of divorce both in the Church and the world!! Women are tired …..they have gone through a lot and are still going through a lot!!

For relationships and marriages to work today, both the man and woman have to put in the time , effort and sacrifice to make it work!! It CANNOT be one sided !! It has to be MUTUAL!! There has to be mutual love, mutual friendship, mutual care, mutual concern, mutual consideration, mutual respect, mutual understanding, mutual giving, mutual support, mutual communication, mutual forgiveness, willingness to resolve conflict, adding value to each other, real companionship and real compatibility…..

I am definitely NOT saying when there are problems in relationships and marriage, the immediate option is to look elsewhere and be unfaithful to your partner, I am simply saying when husbands and wives neglect each other for years without resolving their issues , unfortunately these are some of the consequences….

LET’S KEEP IT REAL!! It’s the only way we will resolve the many challenges and many problems we are seeing in relationships and marriages today!!



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