Bishop John General
Bishop John General


By Yona Musukwa

We have regurgitated here, a million times, that the one eyed anaconda, is the only human organ with its own head, and makes independent decisons. No matter how religious and born again a man is, his anaconda is very atheist.

Famous Matero based Prophet, with a direct WiFi connection to heaven, John General, has proved, yet again, that the one eyed serpent is indeed a pagan of note, and continues to refuse to participate in salvation.

Yesterday, the prophet was caught red handed horizontally engineering one of his married stock, sorry, flock, right in her matrimonial home, by her husband.

Major General is well known within his church for using his nuclear warhead to heal the sick. Rumor has it that the man chews his flock like sugar cane, and 80% of sunday school kids at his church look like him.

According to eye witnesses familiar with the event, Prophet John General has been engineering, horizontally, a married woman for some time now, to cure her from miscarriages. As per their arrangement, she called Prophet John General immediately her husband left home, so that he can continue healing her horizontally.

Unfortunately, yesterday, the husband of the woman returned home earlier than usual, and went straight to the bedroom, where healing was taking place. When he reached the bedroom door, he heard some horizontal soundtrack emanating from his bedroom, and when the husband opened the door, he saw Prophet John General shaking his buttocks and vibrating like a Chinese hammer mill, natumbula nameso, namalenda yalepona.

Of course, in that naked position, only a fool will imagine they were discussing CDF guidelines.

The angry husband attempted a heart surgery on the prophet, but the prophet pulled out from the ATM pronto, and pulled a muzala samukonga and vamoosed from the scene, with his very long swollen nuclear warhead dangerously dangling from left to right, leaving behind his clothes, phones, bible and car.

Those who saw him running are questioning if Usain Bolts is the fasting man on earth. The prophet jumped over a wallfence as if it was nothing, leaving behind droppings of very thick liquid protein. Kids mistook it for yoghurt.

The lady screamed rape to her husband and police are now looking for the naked prophet.

Residents of Matero, if you encounter a naked male homo sapien, running with his gun very cocked, dripping Yoghurt, that is the John General we are talking about.

Intercept, and ask him why he is running yet no one is chasing him. Then do a citizen arrest.

We have agreed here, that in an away match, the horizontal engineer must not remove all his clothes. You only remove the participanting appendages, just in case your co-husband shows up uninvited.

Class Dismissed!


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